Facing my worst enemy: MYSELF

I have been thinking a lot lately. Thinking about my goals and how I am going to get there. The pre-season tasks on the Michelle Bridges 12 Week Body Transformation have started and it has made me stop and think about the way I am approaching this journey.

Now, let me elaborate on it. The first task was titled ‘Get Real – No more excuses’ I am the queen of excuses, but about six weeks ago I had a light bulb moment. Yes, I work full time, run a household, have children, can’t afford things… but I was so unhappy with my lack of motivation, every time I looked in the mirror, I felt like crying, every time I stepped on the scales and the number was bigger than last time, the feeling of being so tired all the freaking time, the mental fog… but I was always too tired or too busy to do anything about it and I never did, ended up sitting on the couch for the evening and kicking myself for not trying. See, I was stuck in that frame of mind, the excuses were there so I could justify not doing anything even though I knew I was only fooling and harming myself for letting the excuses win. They always won.  

Then one day, I just finished tea/dishes/etc, I put my walking shoes on and I went for a walk around the cul-de-sac I live in, up and down the road in circles because it was already dark. I just did it, not much thought put into it. My ten year old went with me and was encouraging me the whole time, then she dared me to run to the end of the road. And I did it, I nearly died but I did it. I could not run for 30 seconds back then. I took that first step –the hardest one to take, in my opinion. Once you take that first step, all of a sudden things are not so bad anymore. Yes, tiredness is still there but after that first walk I felt like I could do anything. And I haven’t stopped since. I started the C25K program and I am about to start week 4 tonight, there is a 5 minute run thrown in the mix there, for someone who could not run 30 seconds, 5 minutes is huge. And it is a looooong time when you are running ;) But I am not giving up, nope, not a chance of that happening. There is nothing that compares to that ‘I did it’ feeling at the end of each run!

BUT, my downfall is still food.

 Michelle also talked about responsibility. She broke the word down as RESPONSE ABILITY. That really struck me, I am in control of my own actions. Food does not force itself in my mouth (well, apart from the almond croissants I had last week, hehe). If I am 100% honest with myself, since I started this journey, I have not given 100% when it comes to the food part. The excuses are still cluttering my brain – I am too busy to prepare my lunch for the next day (I usually do really good at lunch time anyways). But then last week, we had some geologists that came to the office from the States, I had to organise morning tea and lunch for the two day workshop they were running. Food abundance all around me. Then on Monday it was someone’s birthday – we had cake on Monday and left overs on Tuesday. Wednesday was weigh in day so I was not surprised to see I had put on 500grms.

 On the goal setting task, I am still trying to work out how I am going to do this. I know where I want to be right now, but in 12 months time? I haven’t thought that far to be honest. But I get excited just thinking about it, because honestly, the possibilities are endless! I can actually achieve anything – so I need to think about this one carefully and be realistic. Right now though, I am concentrating on the next 6 weeks as I am going overseas to visit family, meet old friends – I really want to be in the best shape of my life! They have not seen me in two and a half years so I want to see some jaws drop. And secretly,  my motivation is this one girl, who I do not like very much -  ohhh how I want to see her face when she sees me.

 Yesterday after I went to the Facebook group for the lovely local ladies that are doing this program, I was really encouraged by everyone’s success. I want that too. I want it so bad and I am the only one standing on the way.

 So here I am today. After a very hard look at myself, again, I decided that I am going to give this my 100% - I have so much to gain, and I have come a long way already. I am not going to let temporary pleasures get in the way of the bigger picture.

 I still haven’t watched the video for our Task 4 today. I want to give my full attention. I also am mentally preparing myself for my run tonight.

 

I will check in tomorrow and let you know how that went, if you are interested ;)

Another one of those days.... maybe we should call it a week?

UGH

B1 is at it again! But I am not going to write a long post about how she irritates me and how I cannot believe a 60+ year old woman act like a teenager. Instead, I will just say I am over it and move on. And that I wish it was that simple.

Anyways

Tomorrow is weigh in day. I actually weigh myself everyday - a habit I am trying to break, but guess what? It actually helps me get out of bed in the morning, I get very curious and need to know what is the weight for today - wednesdays are the days I actually record the weight and compare from last week's weight.

I have been really good in that department. Apart from the weekend, I went to a 30th party and had brownies, ice cream and cake. BUT I ate a lot less than I normally would, so thats a bonus. I weighed myself the day after and I was 1.7kgs up. Yea, 1.7kgs overnight is super.

I was extremely annoyed at life last night so I went for a run. This is day 2 week 2 from C25k. Last time I tried I could not run the full 1.5 minutes required (four days before that). But I did it yesterday, the whole thing, did not walk once. I felt brilliant. The good side effects of running is, it helps a lot with stress. But people that run already know that.

So this week's Michelle Bridge's Body Transformation task is to record everything I eat. I already do that - so, check!

Rumbles

I feel Meh today

Not because of weight losses or running or anything like that (which is going great by the way!)

It’s because of unhappy people out to make everyone’s life miserable

We all know one of those people. People that are so pedantic that makes you feel like pulling your eyeballs out.

I work with two of those, let’s call them B1 and B2 (B=bitch, bahahaha – I feel so evil right now). Before I start on the rambling, let me just say I am a nice person. The kinda girl who does not like conflict, who feels horrible when someone is not being nice to me, with that said...

B1 is about 62 years old, I think, and her sense of smell is very sensitive apparently. My story goes that one day my boss asked me to clean our whiteboard because he had a meeting and wanted to use it. I knew I needed to use a product that smells quite strong because out whiteboard is old and the wipers don’t work that well. But since the meeting room is a good 100 steps from her office, I thought I would be ok to do it quickly. Next minute, B1 comes around asking what the heck the smell was. I told her very nicely that I was asked to clean the whiteboard and I had to do it, it seriously took me ten seconds to do it and the smell was gone in a couple of minutes. She left with a “migraine” and did not speak to me for six weeks after that. Seriously. B1 decided that not speaking to me and making a very uncomfortable work environment  was a good punishment for doing my freaking job. Am I the only one who thinks it’s crazy? Maybe because if it was me, I would have decided that despite the fact I didn’t like the smell, it was not worth getting my knickers in a twist like that. Geez! I am glad to report that she is now half talking to me again.

 

Then there is B2. Now, B2 is a strange one. She is about 50 and has been working here for a while. She is pedantic. No, she is anal. I never know if she is talking to me or not, I can’t keep up anymore. She decides, on a daily basis, that if I do something wrong (read: not her way), she will be cold and just address me when I talk to her, but the barely minimum possible. I had my boss coming to me with complains like: there is two staples on the invoices instead of one.  Seriously? Have you got nothing better to do B2? What difference does it make in the world if the invoice has two staples instead of one? Are you not busy enough today that you have to pick on every single damn thing I do? Every day. I cannot, for the life of me, do anything right in her eyes. I start to feel bad about it (because let’s face it, I have no idea what she tells the boss about me), but then I have to keep reminding myself that she is the one with the problem, not me. I try to do my best at work, I work hard, sometimes it’s a bit quiet, but I do my job well. Today she told me off for working from my boss’ desk (as she is on holiday) because I thought it would be easier since I am doing her job as well and having to deal with one million different things.

 

 just don’t get it. Why do some people have to make life miserable for others? Why can’t they use common sense and decide that some things are just not an issue at all?

 

It really beats me

 

Rant over

Sore leg?

Am I the only one that just want to go go go? I want results NOW, or I have to go faster than advised or do more to achieve more, you know what I mean?

But I can't and I hate the feeling

I hurt my leg - not sure when or how, it just started hurting, gradually got worse to the point I could barely walk. So I gave it a couple of days rest and decided I had to try running again. Big fail.

It's been one week. My leg is still sore, not sure why it's not getting better? I have started taking anti-inflammatories... I don't know, I am scared that I won't be able to run in November, 5 weeks to go and I am back to square one!

So I am kinda bummed. No way I am giving up. I have lost 2.3kgs already and that feels awesome! On Saturday, because I could not run, I went bike riding instead. I biked for 7kms, really loved it - my legs didn't hurt at all, didn't even feel like I was exercising? Maybe my fitness level has improved after all! I will definitely be adding biking to my list of exercises to do. Go me!

In other news I have a lot going on on the side, life is really strange at the moment.

My hubby had spinal surgery last year at the tender age of 29. I became the main bread-winner at our house because surgery had a 9-12 months period of recovery. It has been just over one year and hubs could no longer just sit at home. We were struggling financially and he was getting really depressed about it. So he got himself a job, an apprenticeship which means pay is not great. And he is doing more heavy physical work. He has been doing it for 5 months now and his back is no good and he is in a lot of pain, to the point that he is thinking he cannot go on. Now, here is the deal. I love my hubby dearly, but when he is not doing much, he is a pain in the butt. He gets really bored, that turns into him over thinking everything, that gets him down and he gets really grumpy and hard to live with. It really affects the whole family dynamics, everyone suffers because of it. He has never done anything different in his life, office jobs are not an option, he has no qualifications apart from his carpentry one, so no one will hire him... he tried sales, did not work out.... we have no money for him to back to study. I just feel like we are stuck in a rut, always struggling to get by financially. I really can't see a solution to the problem and I am finding it very hard to stay positive. Any ideas, suggestions, anything?

Rant over